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   Old Thread  #916 18 Jan 2013 at 6.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Apparently the Met Office have issued a red snow warning. If that's anything like what I've heard about yellow snow then I'm staying inside.
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   Old Thread  #915 18 Jan 2013 at 6.12pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #913
especially just after paying my corporation tax to the tramps
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   Old Thread  #914 18 Jan 2013 at 5.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks
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   Old Thread  #913 18 Jan 2013 at 5.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What's a pelican, an ostrich and the HM Revenue got in common?

They can all stick their bills up their arse!
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   Old Thread  #912 18 Jan 2013 at 1.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #911
post 904 brilliant
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   Old Thread  #911 18 Jan 2013 at 1.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #910
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   Old Thread  #910 18 Jan 2013 at 12.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A stranger text me last night asking me to meet him in the woods so he could see my penis.


The weirdo never turned up!!
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   Old Thread  #909 18 Jan 2013 at 12.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Tesco's are bringing out a new range of beef burgers called Fernando Torres............100% Pony.
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   Old Thread  #908 18 Jan 2013 at 12.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
If you thought Tesco's burger scandal was bad,it has emerged that Iceland have been selling Quarter Panda's.
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   Old Thread  #907 18 Jan 2013 at 12.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I made a curry the other night and sat down to eat it.On the telly there was a advert for Oxfam.They showed a starving poor family covered with flies and dying.With a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face l thought,"f--K me this curry's hot!"
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   Old Thread  #906 18 Jan 2013 at 10.51am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.

Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!

Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?

Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
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   Old Thread  #905 18 Jan 2013 at 10.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #904
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   Old Thread  #904 18 Jan 2013 at 10.08am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do." says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go."

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!"

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Nancy Peloisi and a large pool of hot water. she kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.

"No!' said Obama. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer!" The Devil led him to the next room. In it was George bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day."

The Devil opened the third door. In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to Go!"
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   Old Thread  #903 17 Jan 2013 at 11.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Now Tesco are taking veggie burgers off the shelves as well. Supposedly they've discovered traces of UniQuorn!
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   Old Thread  #902 17 Jan 2013 at 10.58am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Horse meat found in Tesco burgers,camel toe found in Primark leggings.
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