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   Old Thread  #949 23 Jan 2013 at 1.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms
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   Old Thread  #948 23 Jan 2013 at 1.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!
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   Old Thread  #947 23 Jan 2013 at 12.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #946 23 Jan 2013 at 10.24am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Banta: I am getting married. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?

Santa: Get an Irish virginity test kit.

Banta: What's that?

Santa: Get a can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.

Banta: What? Are you mad?

Santa: Paint your right ball red and the other blue, as you remove your underwear, if your wife says, 'that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen'

Hit her head with the shovel !
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   Old Thread  #945 22 Jan 2013 at 10.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Does anyone know how David Blunkets first Helicopter lesson went the other day?
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   Old Thread  #944 22 Jan 2013 at 7.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Cracking lad!!!
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   Old Thread  #943 22 Jan 2013 at 3.26pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My girlfriends' name is Lana.

I love fcuking her backwards.
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   Old Thread  #942 22 Jan 2013 at 3.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Fours goodens their sik
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   Old Thread  #941 22 Jan 2013 at 1.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!
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   Old Thread  #940 22 Jan 2013 at 1.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?’
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   Old Thread  #939 22 Jan 2013 at 1.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "b@stard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and b@stard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Sh1t" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fcuk" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and b@stards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the sh1t off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fcuking the turkey!
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   Old Thread  #938 22 Jan 2013 at 1.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today.
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   Old Thread  #937 21 Jan 2013 at 7.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #936 21 Jan 2013 at 7.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Katie Price's dad dropped the phone and rushed to her house with his snow shovel, expecting to have to dig her out of massive snow drifts.

It turned out, Katie misunderstood when her dad had asked how many inches she's had.
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   Old Thread  #935 21 Jan 2013 at 4.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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