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   Old Thread  #1041 6 Feb 2013 at 12.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1040 6 Feb 2013 at 11.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was the driving examiner for a nice young lady, and I said, "This test will last about 40 minutes."

"That's quite long," she moaned. "Can it be done any faster?"

"Sure love," I winked. "How about a blowjob and I'll give you a pass."

"Just fcuk off Dad, you said you'd be helpful."
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   Old Thread  #1039 6 Feb 2013 at 11.48am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
British Humour

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word

Was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn

To politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair

Reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
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   Old Thread  #1038 6 Feb 2013 at 9.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Valentines Day:

Dinner: 70

Drinks: 50

Taxi: 20

Hotel: 300

The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period.. PRICELESS

The look on her face when you shove it up her ass.. EPIC
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   Old Thread  #1037 6 Feb 2013 at 6.42am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A Palestine model was shot dead in Israel today.

Hope it wasn't Grommit!
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   Old Thread  #1036 5 Feb 2013 at 11.34am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1035 5 Feb 2013 at 10.53am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1034 5 Feb 2013 at 10.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.
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   Old Thread  #1033 5 Feb 2013 at 10.19am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bob is shaving in the bathroom when his adopted teenage son comes in to take a piss. Even though he tries not to look, Bob can't help notice that the boy has an enormous dick.

"Where the fcuk did you get that from, Johnny?" says Bob.

"My dick?" says Johnny. "Well, every time I get into bed with a chick I bang my cock five times on the edge of the bed, been doing it for years."

Bob just can't get this out of his mind all day, so when he eventually decides to join his wife in bed, he bangs his cock five times on the edge of the bed.

"Careful, Johnny," says his wife. "Bob's still around somewhere."
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   Old Thread  #1032 5 Feb 2013 at 10.17am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
As the doctors rushed about in the operating room, my head was in a daze. Slowly but surely I could feel my life ebbing away. The lads holidays I'm going to miss, spontaneous piss ups a long distant thing of the past, so many unfulfilled dreams that would never happen.

As I tried to grasp the magnitude of what was happening, I heard one of the doctors utter the words I was dreading.

"Congratulations Mr. Smith, you have a healthy baby girl."
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   Old Thread  #1031 5 Feb 2013 at 10.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I started my first day as a telephone operator for The Suicide Helpline this morning and I had a call from some guy.

He said, "I'm currently walking towards a railway track deciding on whether or not to get hit by a train and end my life."

"Don't do it," I said, "Do you think that you could hold the line for just a minute?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Well, do that then," I said, "Electrocuting yourself is a much manlier way to go."
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   Old Thread  #1030 4 Feb 2013 at 9.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Richard III holds the record for staying in a car park the longest.

2nd goes to Peter Odemwingie.
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   Old Thread  #1029 4 Feb 2013 at 7.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1028 4 Feb 2013 at 7.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1027 4 Feb 2013 at 6.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $1,000?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for
$ 10,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again,
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for
$100,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says,"Hmmmmm, $100,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,
burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"No!," says the little old man... "That costs
too much!
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