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   Old Thread  #1035 5 Feb 2013 at 10.53am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1034 5 Feb 2013 at 10.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.
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   Old Thread  #1033 5 Feb 2013 at 10.19am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bob is shaving in the bathroom when his adopted teenage son comes in to take a piss. Even though he tries not to look, Bob can't help notice that the boy has an enormous dick.

"Where the fcuk did you get that from, Johnny?" says Bob.

"My dick?" says Johnny. "Well, every time I get into bed with a chick I bang my cock five times on the edge of the bed, been doing it for years."

Bob just can't get this out of his mind all day, so when he eventually decides to join his wife in bed, he bangs his cock five times on the edge of the bed.

"Careful, Johnny," says his wife. "Bob's still around somewhere."
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   Old Thread  #1032 5 Feb 2013 at 10.17am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
As the doctors rushed about in the operating room, my head was in a daze. Slowly but surely I could feel my life ebbing away. The lads holidays I'm going to miss, spontaneous piss ups a long distant thing of the past, so many unfulfilled dreams that would never happen.

As I tried to grasp the magnitude of what was happening, I heard one of the doctors utter the words I was dreading.

"Congratulations Mr. Smith, you have a healthy baby girl."
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   Old Thread  #1031 5 Feb 2013 at 10.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I started my first day as a telephone operator for The Suicide Helpline this morning and I had a call from some guy.

He said, "I'm currently walking towards a railway track deciding on whether or not to get hit by a train and end my life."

"Don't do it," I said, "Do you think that you could hold the line for just a minute?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Well, do that then," I said, "Electrocuting yourself is a much manlier way to go."
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   Old Thread  #1030 4 Feb 2013 at 9.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Richard III holds the record for staying in a car park the longest.

2nd goes to Peter Odemwingie.
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   Old Thread  #1029 4 Feb 2013 at 7.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1028 4 Feb 2013 at 7.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1027 4 Feb 2013 at 6.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $1,000?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for
$ 10,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again,
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for
$100,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says,"Hmmmmm, $100,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,
burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"No!," says the little old man... "That costs
too much!
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   Old Thread  #1026 4 Feb 2013 at 5.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"Match-fixing: Champions League tie played in England 'was fixed'"

'No idea what you're talking about' Said Alex Ferguson as he bundled Howard Webb into a taxi.
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   Old Thread  #1025 4 Feb 2013 at 4.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1024 4 Feb 2013 at 4.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Rocky Has Broken His Leg And His Friend Bob Comes Over To See Him.Bob: “How Are You Doing?”Rocky: “Fine, Hey, Do Me A Favor Go Upstairs & Get Me My Slippers, My Feet Are Freezing”Bob Goes Upstairs & Sees Rocky’s Hot Twin Sisters Laying On The Bed.Bob: “Your Brother Sent Me Up To Have Sex With You Girls”Twins: “Prove It”Bob (Shouting): “Hey Rocky, Both Of Them?”Rocky (Shouting Back): “Of Course, What’s The Point Of Fcuking One
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   Old Thread  #1023 4 Feb 2013 at 2.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?
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   Old Thread  #1022 4 Feb 2013 at 12.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife has got a tattoo on her inner thigh of a sea shell,

When I put my ear to it, I can smell the sea.
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   Old Thread  #1021 4 Feb 2013 at 12.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I said to the wife, "I'm horny."

"What you want me to do?"

"Give me a sh@g."

"Oh, really?"

"No, just joking," I laughed. "I just wanted to give you a headache
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