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   Old Thread  #1081 12 Feb 2013 at 1.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1080 12 Feb 2013 at 9.16am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I thought I'd buy my wife a vibrator to try and spice up our sex life.

"Can I help you?" said the Ann Summers assistant.

"I'm after a vibrator for my wife, I replied, "but I didn't realise they came in so many sizes and different colours"

"Yes they do." She said, "but then again they all do the same job."

"Okay then, I'll take that tartan one over there"

"That's not for sale sir."

"Why not?"

"Because it's my flask."
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   Old Thread  #1079 11 Feb 2013 at 1.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife had been scheduled to have her massive vagina reduced, when we were informed the operation would take the surgeon twelve hours to complete.

Thanks to my connections however, I managed to have it done in only six.

I had a man on the inside.
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   Old Thread  #1078 11 Feb 2013 at 11.53am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was travelling towards a village in Africa, when I saw one of the locals up a tree, sawing a huge branch off. I then realised that he was sawing between himself and the trunk.

I said to him, "Oi, if you're not careful, tha branch is going to break and you're going to fall out of that tree".

He looked at me with a vacant expression on his face and continued sawing.

Two minutes later, he came crashing to the ground, picked himself up, dusted himself off, looked at me and then ran off towards the village screaming, "There's a prophet coming, there's a prophet coming".
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   Old Thread  #1077 11 Feb 2013 at 1.03am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I saw a big girl wearing a t-shirt that said Guess. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
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   Old Thread  #1076 10 Feb 2013 at 5.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was shocked in Amsterdam, when I saw a sign advertising 'duck sex'.

Then I got knocked out by two people fcuking on a swing.
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   Old Thread  #1075 10 Feb 2013 at 11.31am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1074 10 Feb 2013 at 11.30am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1073 10 Feb 2013 at 11.25am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
One morning, a Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. As he is about to leave, he asks the waitress for his bill.

"Two pounds sixty," she says.

The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.

This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver. Gotcha, thinks the waitress, who has been waiting for this day to get her revenge: she drops 240 pennies onto the floor.

"Your change," she says with a smug little smile.

The Hell's Angel produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table.

"Another large cappuccino, please."
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   Old Thread  #1072 10 Feb 2013 at 10.26am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
It turns out that the horse meat scandal was all a big misunderstanding.

The CEO of the meat company has since sacked his buyer, saying "I told you to research new markets for supplies, not fcuking Newmarket.
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   Old Thread  #1071 9 Feb 2013 at 9.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My doctor has told me l have to watch what l eat,so i've booked tickets for the grand national.
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   Old Thread  #1070 9 Feb 2013 at 9.20pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1069 9 Feb 2013 at 9.11pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I got woken up in the early hours as my son got in from a night out, giggling and stumbling up the stairs before the inevitable groans and banging headboard of a good old drunken shag. 'That's my boy.' I whispered to myself and nodded back off to sleep, proud as proud can be!

I waited for the all clear in the morning then collared him.

"Had a good time last night?", I asked.

"Yeah, thanks for asking.", he replied sheepishly.

"Listen son," I said, "I was your age once, going round town nailing everything in sight but I was always careful and you should do the same. You did wear a condom didn't you?"

"Don't worry dad," he replied, "we both did!"
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   Old Thread  #1068 9 Feb 2013 at 7.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Im crying!
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   Old Thread  #1067 9 Feb 2013 at 3.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1066
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