CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop Fishy Forums
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
carpy09 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carpy09 (Chris)
Contact details supplied to MODs
carpy09
Posts: 11406
   Old Thread  #1189 24 Feb 2013 at 6.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1182
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1188 24 Feb 2013 at 6.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1182
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 9361
   Old Thread  #1187 24 Feb 2013 at 4.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
arsenal last won a trophy back in 2005
the crazy frog was number one
eight years on , he's still there
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1186 24 Feb 2013 at 4.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!"

So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

Her mother replied,"Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," . "This is a job for Mama!
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1185 24 Feb 2013 at 12.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1184
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1184 24 Feb 2013 at 11.55am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's t1ts, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to sh@g his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fcuking pots!
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1183 24 Feb 2013 at 11.52am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank **** for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little b@stard was going to bark
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1182 24 Feb 2013 at 11.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1181 24 Feb 2013 at 11.45am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
So I was in a Pub in Essex when in walks this group of girls. I go straight up to one of them and say "If I buy you a drink will you come into the toilets with me?"

"Yeah alright" she replies.... So I buy her a bottle of WKD and lead her into the toilets. I push her into a cubicle and I get my hands straight up her skirt and into her knickers.

That's when she says "Oi!!! T1ts first, I ain't a sl@g
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1180 24 Feb 2013 at 8.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1178
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1179 24 Feb 2013 at 7.46am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"What do we get from the hen?" asks the teacher.

"Eggs," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the sheep?"

"Wool," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the cow?"

"Fcuking homework," says Little Johnny.
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1178 24 Feb 2013 at 6.27am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Katie Price is at the clinic having her new pregnancy checked out.

"And if we scan here, we can see the babys head!" beams the nurse

"Thats great!" says Price

All of a sudden the nurse looks concerned.

"Whats up?" says Price

"It appears theres something else in your womb, something much larger in the background!"

"Oh don't worry about that, thats Bob the Paparazzi photographer, he's doing some pictures for Hello! magazine."
MrGrantski is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of MrGrantski (Grants)
Contact details supplied to MODs
MrGrantski
Posts: 953
   Old Thread  #1177 23 Feb 2013 at 7.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a **** what you think."
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1176 23 Feb 2013 at 12.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1172
ilovefishingme is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ilovefishingme (Shannon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ilovefishingme
Posts: 1436
   Old Thread  #1175 23 Feb 2013 at 10.24am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1165
nearly wet myself laughing at that one
Page: 97 of 176  
  
   Copyright 2002-2019  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk