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   Old Thread  #1241 4 Mar 2013 at 12.18pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." *wink*

"Yes, I guess I did."

"Who are you?", she asks. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"

"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs!"
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   Old Thread  #1240 4 Mar 2013 at 10.37am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him that she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway," sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
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   Old Thread  #1239 4 Mar 2013 at 10.35am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows
her from, so he asks, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?" She replies, “No, I'm your son's math teacher
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   Old Thread  #1238 4 Mar 2013 at 10.27am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!
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   Old Thread  #1237 3 Mar 2013 at 8.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1236 3 Mar 2013 at 7.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"I want to try anal", I said to my wife.

"But i've been having sex with an @rsehole for years", she replied.
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   Old Thread  #1235 3 Mar 2013 at 7.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was sat on a bus coming home and a gorgeous bird next to me started breast feeding her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man!" About 10 minutes later, the baby's still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" So I said "Listen love, can you make your fukcing mind up, I should've got off 4 stops ago!"
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   Old Thread  #1234 3 Mar 2013 at 1.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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3 gooden their Martin
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   Old Thread  #1233 3 Mar 2013 at 1.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Everybody seems to be on Katie Price's back at the moment.

I presume that's to stop falling into the large hole at the front.
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   Old Thread  #1232 3 Mar 2013 at 1.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I'm not saying my wife is easy to please but when I put my hand in her knickers to finger her, it's like feeding a sugar lump to a horse.
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   Old Thread  #1231 3 Mar 2013 at 12.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
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   Old Thread  #1230 3 Mar 2013 at 9.21am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Lesbian seeks similar for relationship. Must like fish fingers and eating out.
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   Old Thread  #1229 2 Mar 2013 at 10.00am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?
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   Old Thread  #1228 1 Mar 2013 at 2.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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a government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor!!!!!
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   Old Thread  #1227 1 Mar 2013 at 2.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1224
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