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   Old Thread  #1309 13 Mar 2013 at 4.09pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Amsterdam's oldest prostitutes have retired after more than 50 years each in the sex trade, twins Louise and Martine Fokkens have slept with over 355,000 men between them.

A spokesman said the City of Amsterdam will erect something in their honour.
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   Old Thread  #1308 13 Mar 2013 at 3.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a fcukin bull in Montana.
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   Old Thread  #1307 13 Mar 2013 at 3.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1306 13 Mar 2013 at 3.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1305 13 Mar 2013 at 2.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A husband calls up a hotel's manager from his room..
Husband : Please come fast , I was having an argument with my wife and she says shes gonna jump out of the window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry I can't help you , this seems to be a personal issue.
Husband : You fcuking a@@hole, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn't opening
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   Old Thread  #1304 13 Mar 2013 at 2.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing
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   Old Thread  #1303 13 Mar 2013 at 8.06am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1302 13 Mar 2013 at 7.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what “sh1t” meant.

Thinking fast she replied “food on the table.”

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does “son of a bitch” mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says “It’s a priest.”

Next day he comes home a asks what does “fcukin” mean. She says it means “getting dressed.”

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells “got it”. He opens the door and says “Hey son of a bitch, sh1ts on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fcukin
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   Old Thread  #1301 12 Mar 2013 at 10.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Paddy and murphy in tesco's and paddy says the cheeky barstards are putting zebra meat in burger ingredients now.

Murphy says thats the bar code you tw@t.
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   Old Thread  #1300 12 Mar 2013 at 2.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Ive ust bought myself a pair of Meatloaf underwear.

On the front it says "i will do anything for love"

On the back it says "but i wont do that".
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   Old Thread  #1299 12 Mar 2013 at 2.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My best mate found out last week that he couldn't give his wife children.

He committed suicide last night.

I went to see his wife today, I held her in my arms, comforting her, both of us crying.

"He didn't even leave a note." She sobbed.

"He wanted to, but couldn't." I wailed back.

"Why not?" She sniffed.

"He had no lead in his pencil." I replied.
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   Old Thread  #1298 12 Mar 2013 at 7.17am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Teacher asks William to spell pope.
William says there's no pope.
Teacher says just spell pope.
So William says p.o.f.p.e.
Teacher says there's no f in pope.
William says i f..k..g told you that.
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   Old Thread  #1297 12 Mar 2013 at 7.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Just got back from a gamblers Anonymous meeting.
They put me next to a fruit machine addict it was
f..k..g horrible the c... was nudging me all night.
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   Old Thread  #1296 12 Mar 2013 at 7.09am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Cardinal O'Brien said goodbye at mass for the last time yesterday
After the emotional ceremony all the alter boys said "they were touched".
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   Old Thread  #1295 12 Mar 2013 at 7.07am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I've never lasted long enough to see the end of a porno but apparently it's where the woman unzips the guys trousers and gets his .... out.
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