CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]
Aquatik
Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop Fishy Forums
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1389 20 Mar 2013 at 11.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife found out I slept with a prostitute the other day.

"It's over between us!" she shouted, "You will pay for what you did."

"Sure," I replied, "It was the best 30 quid I've ever spent."
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1388 20 Mar 2013 at 11.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1386
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1387 20 Mar 2013 at 10.55am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water Representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence "Your card! Show him your fcukin card!
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1386 20 Mar 2013 at 10.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A blonde woman is invited for dinner at her cousins house and as they only live a few blocks apart the blonde lady has walked there. As the blonde is getting ready to leave it starts pouring with rain. The cousin has had a few too many drinks at dinner so says to her blonde cousin "why not just sleep the night here and you can head home tomorrow when it's stopped raining or I can run you home as I'll be sober then"

The blonde agrees so her cousin goes to get some blankets. When she comes back with the blankets she can't find the blonde anywhere. Half an hour later there's a knock at the door. It's the blonde, completely drenched. The cousin says "What are you doing ? Where have you been in the rain I thought you were going to sleep over?" "Yes I am " says the blonde "but I had to go home to get my pyjamas
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1385 20 Mar 2013 at 10.37am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1384
kin funny tho
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1384 20 Mar 2013 at 10.07am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
You think the new Tower Zingy Burger from KFC is spicy?

Try going down on your lass after she has been dancing.
oldfletch is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of oldfletch (Lee)
Contact details supplied to MODs
oldfletch
Posts: 1367
   Old Thread  #1383 19 Mar 2013 at 9.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1382
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1382 19 Mar 2013 at 9.00pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1376
Haha!!!!!
carpy09 has used site within the last 10 mins
View the profile of carpy09 (Chris)
Contact details supplied to MODs
carpy09
Posts: 11406
   Old Thread  #1381 19 Mar 2013 at 8.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1379
MattH85 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of MattH85 (Matt)
Contact details supplied to MODs
MattH85
Posts: 3673
   Old Thread  #1380 19 Mar 2013 at 8.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1379
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1379 19 Mar 2013 at 8.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to make his first jump from an airplane. The next day he called home to tell his father about it.

“So, did you jump?” the father asked.

“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!”

“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.

“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”

“Did you jump then?” asked the father.

“I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.”

“So, did you jump?”

“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’”

“I said, ‘No, sir. I'm too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this baby up your @ss!’”

“So… did you jump?” asked the father.

“Well, a little, at first.
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1378 19 Mar 2013 at 8.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1376
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1377 19 Mar 2013 at 8.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1376 19 Mar 2013 at 6.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I flopped my cock out in front of my doctor this morning and said, "What do you reckon?"

She had a good look and said, "It's fine."

"Cool," I said, putting it back into my pants, "I'm here to give up smoking."
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1375 19 Mar 2013 at 6.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1374
Page: 83.6666666666667 of 176  
  
  © Copyright 2002-2019  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk