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   Old Thread  #1396 22 Mar 2013 at 10.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1395 22 Mar 2013 at 11.30am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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1)Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

2)The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

3)I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.....

4)My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

5)I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

6)After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “**** it, soldier on!

7)I woke up this morning at 8am, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I re member ed McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

8)Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

9)The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you honey. All the others kept me awake all night!"

10)My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

11) A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

12) A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

13)I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

















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   Old Thread  #1394 22 Mar 2013 at 9.57am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1393 22 Mar 2013 at 4.11am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Should have used the peter beardsley one.....even more messy than messi
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   Old Thread  #1392 20 Mar 2013 at 10.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My girlfriend wanted me to give her a messy facial.

So I cut the poster out of my football magazine, poked holes in the eyes and attached a rubber band.
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   Old Thread  #1391 20 Mar 2013 at 10.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I bought some kangaroo condoms today.

They're for the gland down under.
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   Old Thread  #1390 20 Mar 2013 at 3.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1389 20 Mar 2013 at 11.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife found out I slept with a prostitute the other day.

"It's over between us!" she shouted, "You will pay for what you did."

"Sure," I replied, "It was the best 30 quid I've ever spent."
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   Old Thread  #1388 20 Mar 2013 at 11.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1387 20 Mar 2013 at 10.55am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water Representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence "Your card! Show him your fcukin card!
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   Old Thread  #1386 20 Mar 2013 at 10.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A blonde woman is invited for dinner at her cousins house and as they only live a few blocks apart the blonde lady has walked there. As the blonde is getting ready to leave it starts pouring with rain. The cousin has had a few too many drinks at dinner so says to her blonde cousin "why not just sleep the night here and you can head home tomorrow when it's stopped raining or I can run you home as I'll be sober then"

The blonde agrees so her cousin goes to get some blankets. When she comes back with the blankets she can't find the blonde anywhere. Half an hour later there's a knock at the door. It's the blonde, completely drenched. The cousin says "What are you doing ? Where have you been in the rain I thought you were going to sleep over?" "Yes I am " says the blonde "but I had to go home to get my pyjamas
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   Old Thread  #1385 20 Mar 2013 at 10.37am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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kin funny tho
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   Old Thread  #1384 20 Mar 2013 at 10.07am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
You think the new Tower Zingy Burger from KFC is spicy?

Try going down on your lass after she has been dancing.
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   Old Thread  #1383 19 Mar 2013 at 9.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1382 19 Mar 2013 at 9.00pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Haha!!!!!
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