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   Old Thread  #1401 24 Mar 2013 at 9.37am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
For me,sex is like spreading butter on toast.Its possible with a credit card ,but much easier with a knife
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   Old Thread  #1400 24 Mar 2013 at 9.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I called the R.S.P.C.A today and said,"ive just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs,"
"That's terrible,"she replied."Are they moving?" "I'm not sure,to be honest,"i said,"But that would explain the suitcase."
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   Old Thread  #1399 23 Mar 2013 at 6.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I was on the ghost train at my local funfair last night.
Should of heard the kids screaming for all they were worth.

Anyone would think they'd never seen a cock before.........
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   Old Thread  #1398 23 Mar 2013 at 6.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A priest was caught masturbating by his altar boy.He said,"what are you doing father?" "Its called .......,he replied,"you'll be doing this soon." "Why,father?"he asked.Because my arms f..king killing me.
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   Old Thread  #1397 23 Mar 2013 at 6.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I stayed in a Premier Inn last night with the family. I went to reception and said “I hope the pornography on the TV is disabled”. The receptionist shouted at me, “you sick *******, it’s normal porn”
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   Old Thread  #1396 22 Mar 2013 at 10.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1395 22 Mar 2013 at 11.30am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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1)Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

2)The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

3)I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.....

4)My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

5)I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

6)After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “**** it, soldier on!

7)I woke up this morning at 8am, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I re member ed McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

8)Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

9)The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you honey. All the others kept me awake all night!"

10)My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

11) A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

12) A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

13)I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

















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   Old Thread  #1394 22 Mar 2013 at 9.57am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1393 22 Mar 2013 at 4.11am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Should have used the peter beardsley one.....even more messy than messi
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   Old Thread  #1392 20 Mar 2013 at 10.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My girlfriend wanted me to give her a messy facial.

So I cut the poster out of my football magazine, poked holes in the eyes and attached a rubber band.
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   Old Thread  #1391 20 Mar 2013 at 10.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I bought some kangaroo condoms today.

They're for the gland down under.
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   Old Thread  #1390 20 Mar 2013 at 3.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1389 20 Mar 2013 at 11.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife found out I slept with a prostitute the other day.

"It's over between us!" she shouted, "You will pay for what you did."

"Sure," I replied, "It was the best 30 quid I've ever spent."
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   Old Thread  #1388 20 Mar 2013 at 11.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1387 20 Mar 2013 at 10.55am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water Representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence "Your card! Show him your fcukin card!
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