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   Old Thread  #1441 27 Mar 2013 at 6.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I got talking to a freaky tattooed chick in a nightclub. As she leaned in and stroked my leg she whispered into my ear, "Tell me, have you ever had a bird sh1t all over your chest?"

"Only once," I replied, "and that was my own fault really for falling asleep under a tree."
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   Old Thread  #1440 27 Mar 2013 at 4.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1439 27 Mar 2013 at 4.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1438 27 Mar 2013 at 3.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fcuk is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!
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   Old Thread  #1437 27 Mar 2013 at 3.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I saw an advert in a shop window this morning. It said "Flatscreen TV. Stuck on full volume. 1." I thought "Well I can't turn that down."
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   Old Thread  #1436 26 Mar 2013 at 5.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A lesbian regained consciousness in hospital. She saw a doctor, a nurse and a young man by her bed.

"You're lucky to be alive," said the doctor. "Your car crashed in a blizzard, and this young man found you unconscious. He rang for an ambulance, but it couldn't get through the snow. So he carried you all the way here in the cold, and we found you needed a blood transfusion. Fortunately, his blood group is the same as yours, so he gave some of his. Then he phoned a garage and got your car picked up, and now it's fixed. So you'll be okay, and this nurse has driven your car here, so that's ready."

The lesbian said, "Thank you EVER so much." She reached up and hugged the nurse, then snarled at the young man, "Too much trouble for you to go and fetch my car, was it?"
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   Old Thread  #1435 26 Mar 2013 at 9.18am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My kinky girlfriend went to the gynaecologist earlier. After a short examination, he said:

"Your discomfort shows all the signs of 'updair'."

"What's updair?" she asked.

He said, "three love eggs and a 9 inch dildo."
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   Old Thread  #1434 26 Mar 2013 at 9.16am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A prostitute requires some dental treatment, so she books an appointment at her local dentist.

After his initial inspection he fills her rotten cavities. Then pays her before she leaves.
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   Old Thread  #1433 26 Mar 2013 at 7.52am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Pussy is not like weed. If you can smell it from across the room, then it isn't the good sh!t
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   Old Thread  #1432 26 Mar 2013 at 6.28am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1431 26 Mar 2013 at 6.11am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1430 25 Mar 2013 at 7.09pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a chesse and ham tostie and a pint of beer. Despite being amazed about a talking rabbit, the bar man gives him the tostie and the beer. The rabbit eats the toastie, drinks the beer then leaves.

The rabbit comes back the next night when the pub is busier as word has got round of a talking rabbit. He rabbit gets his toastie and beer, consumes them both, then leaves.

The next night the pub is packed, but in goes the rabbit and asks the bar man for his toastie and beer. The bar man however says to the rabbit, 'I'm sorry we're all out of cheese and ham toasties but we do have cheese and onion toasties, I'm sure you'll like them!'
The rabbit hesitently eats the toastie and drinks the beer then leaves.

After that night the rabbit never returns. The pub becomes run down and on the brink of closing. The bar is empty and the bar man is cleaning when all of a sudden he sees a white figure, it is the rabbit. The bar man says to him, 'what happened you never came back.'
'I DIED!' said the rabbit
'How?' Asks the bar man



'Mixing me toasties!'
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   Old Thread  #1429 25 Mar 2013 at 6.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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2 men walk into a building.... you would have thought one of them would see it
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   Old Thread  #1428 25 Mar 2013 at 6.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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belter
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   Old Thread  #1427 25 Mar 2013 at 3.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
While taking a break from recording the new series of The Voice, Will popped round to our house for a cup of tea.

Now I don't know if it was his aftershave, but my rottweiler started to get really frisky with him. He pinned down, and was humping away. I tried dragging him away, but he wouldn't let him go till he'd finished.

Needless to say, I Am's now contains 30% more animal protein.
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