CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]
Aquatik
Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop Fishy Forums
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1549 15 Apr 2013 at 1.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard...

I came in cider.
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1548 15 Apr 2013 at 10.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1547
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1547 15 Apr 2013 at 5.18am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I came home early and found a naked man in my house. The bloke looked uncomfortable, but my wife told the most extraordinary story. She told me that the man was 'seeing' Tracey from upstairs and as her husband arrived early, in a panic he hid his clothes and sneaked downstairs and made a dart for our door.

I sympathised with the bloke since I realised how awkward the situation must be, and to be fair, good on him. I gave him some of my clothes and enough money for a taxi. We also had a quiet laugh at Tracey's husband's expense on the way out.

The next day I was telling this quite incredible tale to mates down at the pub, when the ****s all burst out laughing. I knew what they were trying to make out, but after a bit I'd got a bit fed up with all the banter.

My oldest friend pulled me to one side and said, "Mate, you've been taken for a ride there, stop showing yourself up."

I replied, "I know what you're trying to get at, it's not funny. It's just one of those scenarios... "

He interrupted my sentence with a big sigh, gazed at his pint for a few seconds then slowly looked back at me.

"Mate", he said, whilst pausing for a few more uncomfortable moments, "You live in a bungalow.
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1546 15 Apr 2013 at 4.57am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big t1ts."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big t1ts."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's t1ts are that big
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1545 14 Apr 2013 at 8.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1544
well in
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1544 14 Apr 2013 at 7.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
It's sick the way some people are cashing in on Maggie's death!

Bloody corner shop's put up the prices of eggs and flour!
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22615
   Old Thread  #1543 14 Apr 2013 at 7.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1542
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1542 14 Apr 2013 at 6.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
So Tiger Woods has been given a 2 shot penalty for dropping his ball in the wrong place.

He's lucky its only a 2 shot penalty, the last time he misplaced his balls so carelessly it cost him his marriage.
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1541 14 Apr 2013 at 6.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1534
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1540 14 Apr 2013 at 10.53am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1538
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1539 14 Apr 2013 at 10.51am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1534
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1538 14 Apr 2013 at 10.23am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent

Simon said, "What is your act?"
I said, "Magic."
He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?"
I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."
He said, "Have you ever done this before?"
I said, "Yes, once."
He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck.
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1537 14 Apr 2013 at 10.22am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
School Register being read on the first day back at Birmingham Primary... Mustafa Al Eih Zeri? "Here, miss."Ahmed El Kabul? "Here, miss"Fatima Al Hayek? "Here miss"Ali Abdul Olmi? "Here, miss"Mohammed Bin Kadir? "Here, miss"Ali Son al En? no answer..Ali Son al En?? Still silence in the class. Ali Son al En? A girl stands up and says: "Sorry miss, I think that's me... It's pronounced Alison Allen..!
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1536 14 Apr 2013 at 10.14am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1532
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1535 14 Apr 2013 at 10.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was working in the local taxi office last night when I told my boss, "I've just heard one of the drivers sh@gging a woman in the back of his cab. He must have left the radio on by mistake."

"What's the frequency?" he asked.

"I think he's fcuked her three times.
Page: 73 of 176  
  
   Copyright 2002-2019  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk