CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop Fishy Forums
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1556 16 Apr 2013 at 7.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"

The woman says, "No, fcuk off."

The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom.
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1555 16 Apr 2013 at 6.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
3 man we're up on a cliff the first man looked at the third man and said I am going to drink this beer and throw it over my back then jump off the cliff and float back up the second man said I would love to see that so the first man drunk the beer threw it over his back and jumped off the cliff he started to fall and fall then he started to float backup the second man said to the third man I'm going to try that so he drunk his beer threw it over his back jump off the cliff and he fell and fail and hit the ground splat dead The Third Man looked at the first man and said Superman your a d1ck when you're drunk
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1554 16 Apr 2013 at 6.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The couple were making out on the sofa,and he says,"How bout it Sal,it's only a week until we get married,let's do it now."
"Oh,no Stan,"she replies."We promised we wouldn't.Can't you wait another seven days?"
Stan looks at her sadly."Ok Sal,but how about if you just give me a hint of what's to come.Go on Sal,unbutton your shirt and let me have a feel of your beautiful boobs."
"Well,ok."replied Sal and she undid her shirt.
"Oooh Sal,that's wonderful.Will you just do one more thing for me?Will you let me have a sniff of your pussy?"
So Sal relented,dropped her knickers and let Stan have a sniff.
"HOLY FCUK,Sal!!" he says,lifting his head and taking a deep breath,"Are you sure that thing will last another seven days?
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1553 16 Apr 2013 at 6.12pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
For my 40th birthday my wife asks me "Whats your biggest fantasy sweetheart? And i'll make it happen"

I think long and hard and reply "A threesome with two sexy women"

Later that week she calls me and says theres a surprise at home on my bed and that todays the day my fantasy comes true. I finish early and race home and there is my wife and a beautiful brunette both naked on the bed.

I get excited and smile, I rush to the cupboard and open it "Not here", I scramble over to the bed and look underneath "Not here" and then scuttle over to the en-suite "Dammit, not here either".

"What are you looking for sweetie?" My wife asks.

"The other sexy woman
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1552 16 Apr 2013 at 6.11pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
While in bed, the wife and I like to play a childish game; here is how it works:
We make love like any normal husband and wife would. After five minutes of passionate sex, my neighbour pops round and joins in the fun. A couple of minutes later my best mate walks through the door and joins, as does my other mate. This goes on until my wife suddenly snaps. She jumps up and down throwing everyone and everything everywhere causing havoc within the bedroom. The person who joined the game last before the wife got fed up loses.

I like to call it Fcukaroo
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22617
   Old Thread  #1551 16 Apr 2013 at 3.09pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Well, I'm certainly not a fan of Thatcher's, but I have to say that all the celebrations and parties don't feel like the appropriate response to the announcement of her death.

That's why I'm organising a little candlelight vigil with some friends.

Around her corpse.

Stake and mallet in hand.

Just to be on the safe side. The parties can wait.
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22617
   Old Thread  #1550 16 Apr 2013 at 10.59am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"Kids are just like sh1ts" I said to a mate.

"Why, because you can only stand your own?" he said.

"No" I replied, "Ever since my wife had one in front of me I don't want to go anywhere near her!"
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22617
   Old Thread  #1549 15 Apr 2013 at 1.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard...

I came in cider.
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22617
   Old Thread  #1548 15 Apr 2013 at 10.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1547
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1547 15 Apr 2013 at 5.18am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I came home early and found a naked man in my house. The bloke looked uncomfortable, but my wife told the most extraordinary story. She told me that the man was 'seeing' Tracey from upstairs and as her husband arrived early, in a panic he hid his clothes and sneaked downstairs and made a dart for our door.

I sympathised with the bloke since I realised how awkward the situation must be, and to be fair, good on him. I gave him some of my clothes and enough money for a taxi. We also had a quiet laugh at Tracey's husband's expense on the way out.

The next day I was telling this quite incredible tale to mates down at the pub, when the ****s all burst out laughing. I knew what they were trying to make out, but after a bit I'd got a bit fed up with all the banter.

My oldest friend pulled me to one side and said, "Mate, you've been taken for a ride there, stop showing yourself up."

I replied, "I know what you're trying to get at, it's not funny. It's just one of those scenarios... "

He interrupted my sentence with a big sigh, gazed at his pint for a few seconds then slowly looked back at me.

"Mate", he said, whilst pausing for a few more uncomfortable moments, "You live in a bungalow.
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1546 15 Apr 2013 at 4.57am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big t1ts."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big t1ts."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's t1ts are that big
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1545 14 Apr 2013 at 8.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1544
well in
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22617
   Old Thread  #1544 14 Apr 2013 at 7.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
It's sick the way some people are cashing in on Maggie's death!

Bloody corner shop's put up the prices of eggs and flour!
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22617
   Old Thread  #1543 14 Apr 2013 at 7.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1542
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3440
   Old Thread  #1542 14 Apr 2013 at 6.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
So Tiger Woods has been given a 2 shot penalty for dropping his ball in the wrong place.

He's lucky its only a 2 shot penalty, the last time he misplaced his balls so carelessly it cost him his marriage.
Page: 73 of 176  
  
   Copyright 2002-2019  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk