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   Old Thread  #1  27 Feb 2012 at 3.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
We have removed the last Joke thread due to the content i.e. Racist and offensive jokes/comments.

Please do not post any jokes or comments that are racist or that are likely to cause offense.

Anyone posting racist or highly offensive 'jokes/comments' will be banned from the forum.
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   Old Thread  #2629 1 Jan 2019 at 9.48am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What do you call a french man wearing open toe shoes?

Felipe Falope!

Happy Brexit, whoops....Happy New Year!
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   Old Thread  #2628 26 Dec 2018 at 11.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2627
What is a chickens favourite footwear?

Reebok, bok, bok, bokarrr
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   Old Thread  #2627 25 Dec 2018 at 0.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2626
Indeed you do.

Happy Xmas mate.
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   Old Thread  #2626 24 Dec 2018 at 7.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2625
You have to laugh, all in a night out

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   Old Thread  #2625 24 Dec 2018 at 7.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2624


What a lad.

My mate took the bus from the bus station, dropped the lads off at twigg street and as they were getting off asked them for the fare.,...

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   Old Thread  #2624 24 Dec 2018 at 5.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2623
No, different initials. Quite a few years ago now. Its the same lad who drive a JCB on a night out through a supermarket window of a “southern holiday” resort. Quite a character, got sent down
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   Old Thread  #2623 24 Dec 2018 at 4.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2622
Stranglely enough my mate did the same....

Not the same mate is it, couldn’t be, surely?.

Initials of my mate who did that........C.B
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   Old Thread  #2622 24 Dec 2018 at 10.39am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2619
Good un that

Reminds me of a lad I know who once pinched a coach and did the same, took all his mates home
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   Old Thread  #2621 23 Dec 2018 at 7.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2620 23 Dec 2018 at 7.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Skeleton goes into a bar, orders a pint of lager and a mop.
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   Old Thread  #2619 19 Dec 2018 at 8.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2618
A warning to all be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto the shots Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my van at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
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   Old Thread  #2618 18 Dec 2018 at 6.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Went to the doctors the other day , he told me to take up a hobby that gets me out of the pub ,
So I started smoking again
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   Old Thread  #2617 12 Dec 2018 at 8.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2615
10 Pinter that

What’s the most popular owl in the world?

Tea towel


Why do they call pirates, pirates?

Cause they Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

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   Old Thread  #2616 1 Dec 2018 at 9.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2615 1 Dec 2018 at 9.11pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My son said to me ‘what rhymes with orange’. I said ‘it doesn’t’.
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   Old Thread  #2614 24 Nov 2018 at 5.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2613

Tampax have announced that they are to replace the string with tinsel, but only for the Christmas period.
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   Old Thread  #2613 19 Nov 2018 at 5.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Was late the other day on my way to work. Got stuck behind a tractor as the driver was shouting ‘the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is nigh’. I think it was farmer Geddon.
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   Old Thread  #2612 22 Oct 2018 at 7.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2611
Son- Dad why is my sister called Teresa
Dad- Because you’re mum loves Easter - it’s an anagram
Son- Thanks Dad
Dad- No problem Alan
🥊🥊
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   Old Thread  #2611 10 Oct 2018 at 10.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2610


I’m here all week...
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   Old Thread  #2610 9 Oct 2018 at 10.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2609
Now that's better .
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   Old Thread  #2609 9 Oct 2018 at 8.51am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2608
The letter ‘u’ would appropriately fit in there somewhere.
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   Old Thread  #2608 1 Oct 2018 at 11.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2607
Hmmm
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   Old Thread  #2607 23 Sept 2018 at 10.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What goes in and out and stinks of p155?.















Your grandparents doing the Hokey Cokey.
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   Old Thread  #2606 23 Sept 2018 at 11.19am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2605 29 Aug 2018 at 9.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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, i went into the jewellers today and said to the fella , " I've come to buy a watch " , he said analogue , I said no , just the watch
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   Old Thread  #2604 29 Aug 2018 at 6.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2603
That's a bit insensitive, I had to put my dog down today.














Weighed a bloody ton.
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   Old Thread  #2603 27 Aug 2018 at 6.35am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2602
I went to the dentist today he said say aahhhh , I said why , he said coz my dog died
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   Old Thread  #2602 26 Aug 2018 at 1.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2601
Hold up... Black footballers staying away from football grounds because of racism!
What feck is west hams excuse then cause they have not turned up this season🤣
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   Old Thread  #2601 14 Aug 2018 at 10.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2600
You're a wrong 'un ralphy
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   Old Thread  #2600 14 Aug 2018 at 8.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2599
Sorry mate , never saw them , thought you was on about carpypats post from 6years ago 😂
Anyway , what do you call a black man ...............😂




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   Old Thread  #2599 14 Aug 2018 at 8.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2598
Peace and love man....
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   Old Thread  #2598 14 Aug 2018 at 8.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2597
Stop being so PC and get you hair cut.
Bloody hippies
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   Old Thread  #2597 14 Aug 2018 at 7.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2596
Alright ralphy.

There was a load of posts about offensive jokes and I was putting my pov across.

But... now they've all gone!

Maybe I'm losing my marbles in my old age!

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   Old Thread  #2596 14 Aug 2018 at 5.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Wtf are you on about malster ?
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   Old Thread  #2595 14 Aug 2018 at 11.11am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Have to say that the mods got it right.

The argument that if people are offended then they shouldn't read the thread just doesn't wash (sorry ralphy). Should black footballers who are offended by racist chants be told they should avoid football grounds? Of course not. If your sister complains some prat felt her bum in a club would you say she shouldn't go clubbing?

It's a public forum and the mods need to regulate accordingly.

If that means you are going to sulk and not post then maybe bit says more about what you find funny than what others find offensive.

Keep the thread going. I often have a good laugh reading it. It's almost as funny as some of magoos posts on the footy thread
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   Old Thread  #2594 7 Aug 2018 at 9.31am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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   Old Thread  #2593 6 Aug 2018 at 10.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2548
To the thief that stole my antidepressants,
I hope you're happy now.
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   Old Thread  #2592 21 Jun 2018 at 6.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Q. What's the difference between football and Tommy Robinson ?
A. Footballs coming home
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   Old Thread  #2591 12 Jun 2018 at 10.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
IMG 0976
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   Old Thread  #2590 15 Apr 2018 at 3.42am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
*****s are like ****ing kebabs , you only wanna eat one when you're ****ing piss3d
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   Old Thread  #2589 22 Mar 2018 at 7.52am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2587
Mate of mine has just got a job at a funeral directors.
He ran up to the owner and said "Hey Boss, that little old lady over there has got a prawn sticking out from between her legs".
The boss went to have a look and said "You stupid sod, that's her clitoris".
"Well it tasted like a prawn" he said.

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   Old Thread  #2588 15 Mar 2018 at 5.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The old Guy went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the toilet during the night, then said: I must be blessed, God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm finished", later that day, the doc called the old guys wife and said: "his test results were fine, but he claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the toilet at night,”
wife said “the silly old sod, he’s been peeing in the fridge again”.
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   Old Thread  #2587 25 Feb 2018 at 11.56am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2586 24 Feb 2018 at 7.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
Got back from the lake the other day and found my wife in bed with my best friend..
Obviously I kicked her out, I'm not going to stand for it! As for my best friend I sat down with him, looked him straight in the eyes and said 'bad dog'
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   Old Thread  #2585 11 Feb 2018 at 0.23am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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My therapist told me that a good way to let go of my anger was to write letters to the people I hate and to burn them.

I did that, and the hereapists suggestion was right, I do feel a lot better.

But now I am wondering if I should I keep the letters?


Tel
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   Old Thread  #2584 31 Jan 2018 at 2.32pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I arrived at the bus stop the other day to find a rather plump lady waiting.
"When's it due"? I asked.
"I'm not pregnant you cheeky git" she replied.
"I meant the bus you fat c*nt" I said.
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   Old Thread  #2583 30 Jan 2018 at 11.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A priest was called to perform an exorcism on a chicken coop.
He managed to rid it of a poultrygeist.

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2582 30 Jan 2018 at 11.12pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A friend’s wife asked him what he was doing today.
“Nothing planned” was his reply.
She then reminded him that he had done nothing the previous day.
Quick as a flash he came back with.
“I know. I haven’t finished yet”

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2581 14 Jan 2018 at 7.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
guy goes into the clinic says "I've got a strawberry up my arse" Doc says I've got some cream for that.
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   Old Thread  #2580 5 Jan 2018 at 7.17am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2577
Bill & Ben lying in bed.
Bill says "Flibber, flobba, flibber flobba"
Ben says "If you loved me, you'd swallow that"

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   Old Thread  #2579 21 Dec 2017 at 7.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2578 19 Dec 2017 at 12.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
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   Old Thread  #2577 26 Oct 2017 at 10.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2576

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2576 26 Oct 2017 at 8.06pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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It's hard to find any good chemistry jokes anymore
All the best Argon
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   Old Thread  #2575 29 Sept 2017 at 8.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2574



Teacher. OK class, when we visited the farm today can you tell me what sounds we heard.

Sarah. I heard Bah Bah.

James. I heard snort snort.

Billy. I heard "get off that f****** tractor"
.
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   Old Thread  #2574 26 Sept 2017 at 6.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Donald trump goes to the hospital for a circumcision. The doctor says I can not operate on this man, There's no end to this p#@ck!!
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   Old Thread  #2573 23 Sept 2017 at 5.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Mick says to Paddy "why did you name your dogs Rolex & Timex"?
Paddy replied coz there're watch dogs
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   Old Thread  #2572 21 Sept 2017 at 0.03am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I came home from work tonight and the missus says "can I have £5000."
What for I ask her.
She says I want it for a boob job.
You don't need £5000 I said, all you need is a bit of toilet roll. Rub it in between your boobs twice a day and your boobs will be enormous.
Really, she said.

Of course, look what it's done for your arse.
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   Old Thread  #2571 19 Sept 2017 at 7.33am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
One day, a husband exclaims to his wife, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
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   Old Thread  #2570 18 Sept 2017 at 4.34am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes, the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
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   Old Thread  #2569 16 Sept 2017 at 8.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I hate my insomnia


But on the plus side it's only 3 sleeps til christmas
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   Old Thread  #2568 16 Sept 2017 at 8.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Handy tip.

When being chased by psycho taxidermist, never 'play dead'
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   Old Thread  #2567 16 Sept 2017 at 7.06pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young married couple was discussing love making, she said you just rip yer clothes off....fling em in the air then jump into bed rip my jim jams off start banging away....why can't you have some respect and good manners....like you do when we are at the dinner table, next time they go to bed he takes his clothes off lays them on a chair, slowly and gently pulls back the sheets slide in gracefully and says can you pass the pussy please.
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   Old Thread  #2566 16 Sept 2017 at 2.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.

There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.

The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.

Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.

He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like HERBIVORE.
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   Old Thread  #2565 15 Sept 2017 at 6.02am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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   Old Thread  #2564 14 Sept 2017 at 5.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2559
Hahaha! That definitely cracked me up.
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   Old Thread  #2563 10 Sept 2017 at 5.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the *******' dark!" says Murphy.
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   Old Thread  #2562 7 Sept 2017 at 5.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2561 6 Sept 2017 at 5.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2560
Paddy & Murphy walking down a lane and come to a bridge over a river and see Sean and Paul...

Paul is holding Sean off the edge of the bridge by his ankles, they ask what's happening. Paul explains that he and Sean are fishing....

"I hold him by the anckles and he reaches down and puts his hands in the water, when I salmon swims through his hands he shouts pull me....."

At that moment Sean's Shouts "pull me up" and bang there he is with a Salmon in his hands.

Seriously impressed Paddy & Murphy carry on down the lane for a bit until they come to another bridge. Still on a high from what they saw earlier, Paddy says they should give it a go and Murphy readily agrees.

Paddy grabs Murphy by the ankle and hangs him down and they wait...

"have you had anything Murphy"... "No Paddy"..... 5 mins passes.... "have you had anything Murphy.."No Paddy.. this time 10mins pass and then all of a sudden the call comes...

"Murphy Pull me up, Pull me up" yells Paddy... "Have ye got one Paddy" asks Murphy

No there's a train coming!!
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   Old Thread  #2560 6 Sept 2017 at 2.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Whats the difference between a scouser and batman....batman can go out without robin
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   Old Thread  #2559 1 Sept 2017 at 9.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Man to woman in a bar " you remind me of my big toe"

Woman replies "why's that"

Man answers " cos when I get home I'm gonna bang you on the coffee table".
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   Old Thread  #2558 31 Aug 2017 at 7.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Dad there's a couple at the door collecting for the old folks home,
give them grandma and tell them to **** off.
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   Old Thread  #2557 30 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2556
I was round my scouse mates house last week, admiring the trampoline he had in the garden. "What site did you get it from?" I asked.

"google earth"
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   Old Thread  #2556 30 Aug 2017 at 9.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2555
Excellent

Dad theres a bloke at the door with a bald head
Tell him to **** off I've got one
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   Old Thread  #2555 29 Aug 2017 at 9.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Dad , there's a bloke knocking the door with a beard .

Well no wonder I couldn't ****ing hear him.
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   Old Thread  #2554 29 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2553 29 Aug 2017 at 9.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was on my way home yesterday and seen my neighbour who is a dwarf standing at the bus stop.

So I stopped and shouted "jump in John, ill give you a lift home".

To which he told me to f#ck off.......

Ungrateful b@stard, so I zipped up my rucksack and carried on walking.
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   Old Thread  #2552 29 Aug 2017 at 8.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I've just had the police knocking on my door saying " they have received complaints that my dog has been chasing the postman on his bike".

So I informed them its cannot be my dog cos he hasn't got a bike
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   Old Thread  #2551 29 Aug 2017 at 8.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I've just spent my life's savings on a gender reassignment operation..............now I haven't got a sausage.......
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   Old Thread  #2550 29 Aug 2017 at 6.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was at the bar having a pint when a woman glanced at my jeans and said "your garage doors are open"

can you see the long big shiny Cadillac inside? I said

no she said but I can see a Mini with 2 flat tyres.



Oh god the old ones are still .................the old ones.
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   Old Thread  #2549 22 Aug 2017 at 9.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Paddy says to Mick I've got a box of cakes here........if you can guess how many there are you can have both of them
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   Old Thread  #2548 11 Aug 2017 at 3.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2543


i went to the zoo the other day

all they had was a little oriental sounding dog


it was a shih tzu

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   Old Thread  #2547 23 Jul 2017 at 10.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Went to an AA meeting last month , their advice was to stay away from alcoholics , so I never went back
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   Old Thread  #2546 23 Jul 2017 at 4.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A Chinese baby boy was born prematurely and was named Sudden Lee.
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   Old Thread  #2545 24 Jun 2017 at 8.27am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2543
Bread in captivity
I missed that one thanks to Jim for bringing it to my attention
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   Old Thread  #2544 23 Jun 2017 at 11.45pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2543
Brilliant clean fun.

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2543 6 Jun 2017 at 12.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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   Old Thread  #2542 12 May 2017 at 4.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
a guy asks the assistant "where can I find Irish sausages"

Assistant. ----- Are you Irish ?

Guy. ----- yes I am but if I had asked for Italian sausage would you have asked was I Italian

Assistant. ----- I doupt it

Guy. ----- And if I had asked for Kosher sausage would you have asked if I were Jewish

Assistant. ----- Proberly not

Guy. ----- So why did you ask if I was Irish

Assistant. ----- Your in Halfords.

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   Old Thread  #2541 30 Mar 2017 at 3.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2540 14 Mar 2017 at 8.06pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2539
What's the difference between a seductress and a flirt? A seductress uses her feminine guile and the allure of potential sexual gratification to get what she wants. A flirt is what Geordie milkmen ride round on
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   Old Thread  #2539 12 Mar 2017 at 8.28am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
An unemployed man went into a job center in Devon and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Enticed by the job title, he went in

and asked the clerk for details of the position.


The clerk pulled up the file and read;


"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynecologist .

You have to help the women out of there underwear , lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynecologist's examination.

"The annual salary is 125.000 , and if you are interested you will have to travel to Inverness Scotland ".


"Good grief....Is that where the job is?"


"No sir..... that's where the end of the line is for applicants right now.
😂😂
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2538 5 Mar 2017 at 10.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hit the Target. 🎯

From the kitchen wife asks the husband :
"What are u doing?"

Husband : "MISSING YOU DARLING"
👍
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2537 4 Mar 2017 at 2.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
a 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom, the 7 year old says it's time we started swearing, when we go down for breakfast I'll start then you, OK, the 4 year old says yeah OK, they go down and mum says what do you want for breakfast? the 7 year old says Coco pops Bitch, whack, he gets a clout round the head and ends up on the floor, she turns to the 4 year old and says what about you, well it won't be f***ing Coco pops.
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   Old Thread  #2536 13 Feb 2017 at 1.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2532
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   Old Thread  #2535 31 Jan 2017 at 6.09pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
two cannibal's eating a clown (not me) one turns to the other and says does this taste funny to you?
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   Old Thread  #2534 31 Jan 2017 at 3.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
Donald trump goes to the hospital for his circumcision. The doctor walks in and says "I cannot operate on this man, there's no end to this *****"
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   Old Thread  #2533 24 Jan 2017 at 6.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2531
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   Old Thread  #2532 24 Jan 2017 at 6.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Boy says to mum , I've got the biggest nob at nursery , is it because I'm a scouser , no she replies
It's because you're 28 and a ****ing retard now be a good lad and don't get you're spaghetti hoops
Down you're Liverpool shirt
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   Old Thread  #2531 23 Jan 2017 at 7.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
If someone tries to assassinate president Trump will his bodyguards shout Donald , Duck
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   Old Thread  #2530 20 Jan 2017 at 1.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Kids know far to much these days , today in the doctors waiting room a little girl was playing with
Ken and Barbie dolls imitating the doggy position . I bent down and whispered , you'll end up
With baby dolls if you keep doing that , she replied I don't think so dickhead , he's doing her up
The ar$e
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   Old Thread  #2529 18 Jan 2017 at 6.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Got chatting to this bird in a club the other night and she whispered in my ear "fancy coming back to mine , I've got a fanny like a polo " , to right I said .
Got her home and dropped her draws then I gasped , she said you look shocked , I said i thought you meant
The mint , not the ****ing hatchback
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   Old Thread  #2528 7 Jan 2017 at 12.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy goes in to a pub, he grabs a guy at the bar, sticks a gun up his trumpet and says "who's been shagging my wife"? The barman laughed and said "you don't have enough bullets".
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   Old Thread  #2527 30 Dec 2016 at 8.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife had her teeth whitened last night, but to be honest I think most of it went on her chin.
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   Old Thread  #2526 30 Dec 2016 at 1.15am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2522
👍🏼😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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   Old Thread  #2525 26 Dec 2016 at 8.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
As it is the time of the year.

A little boy asks his mother: "Mom, can I have a puppy for Christmas?"

His mother replies: "You'll have turkey same as everybody else."😂😂😂😂😂😂

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2524 26 Dec 2016 at 8.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
A couple are out shopping before Christmas and get separated in the crowds.
After a while the wife phones the husband to ask where he is.

The husband replies: "Do you remember 5 years ago when were looking in the window of that little jewellers? The one where you saw that beautiful diamond bracelet; and I said that one day in the future, when I could afford it, I would buy it for you."

The wife, choking back the tears replies:

"Oh yes darling, I remember"

"Well" said the husband "I'm in the pub next door 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2523 26 Dec 2016 at 8.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
Seasonal advice - don't drink and drive.

Last night for example, I was out with the lads and had a few pints followed by several whiskies. So I decided it was better to take a bus home. On the way I passed a patrol car stopping all the cars and doing breath tests. Boy was I glad, and I got home safely.

Which was lucky really, because I'd never driven a bus before, and can't remember where I got it from...


Tel
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   Old Thread  #2522 23 Dec 2016 at 3.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife got out of the shower and said "as a special Christmas treat I've shaved my pussy, you know what that means" I said "yeah the ****ing drain is blocked again".
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   Old Thread  #2521 17 Dec 2016 at 1.20pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Just got a new high tech bed for Christmas, the "Micro wave" type........you get a full nights sleep in 20 minutes
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   Old Thread  #2520 15 Dec 2016 at 8.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Years ago I once walked in on my nan giving my grandad a nosh , I was in total shock coz I thought she
Buried it with the rest of him
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   Old Thread  #2519 12 Dec 2016 at 10.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Just watched a scouse family on family fortunes , you should have seen there faces when Vernon Kay said you have a chance to steal
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   Old Thread  #2518 11 Dec 2016 at 11.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2517
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   Old Thread  #2517 24 Nov 2016 at 2.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
paddy spot's a tasty bird with big jugs at a party, he go's over to her and gets her several drinks then asks "do you want to come back to my place so we can make love" she said I would but I'm on my menstrual cycle, paddy says that's ok you go on ahead and I'll follow on my Honda.


O god .....the old ones are still the......old ones......
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   Old Thread  #2516 21 Nov 2016 at 5.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2515 21 Nov 2016 at 8.40am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”

I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”
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   Old Thread  #2514 18 Nov 2016 at 1.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2513 18 Nov 2016 at 10.56am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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   Old Thread  #2512 18 Nov 2016 at 9.08am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Another 'best joke of all time'

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

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   Old Thread  #2511 16 Nov 2016 at 8.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2510 16 Nov 2016 at 9.19am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What do two rednecks say after breaking up? Lets just be cousins !
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   Old Thread  #2509 16 Nov 2016 at 9.14am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

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   Old Thread  #2508 15 Nov 2016 at 11.48am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2507 15 Nov 2016 at 11.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend carp fishing with his mate.
When he finally got home on Sunday night he was confronted by his very angry wife!
After two hours she stopped nagging and said, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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   Old Thread  #2506 9 Nov 2016 at 6.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Farmer in a field rounding his sheep up with his dog. Man walks around the corner and says to the farmer, hey farmer, if I can tell you how many sheep you have got in that field in the next 3 seconds can I have one?

Farmer says, Ok then, try it, Man replies, 787.

The farmer astonished, how did you know that, man replies, I'm just good with numbers. Ok mate, fair play, get yourself up the field and get one

The man comes walking down with the hill, the farmer says, Oi, if I can tell you where you come from can I have my sheep back.

Bloke says, yeah, fair play, the farmer replies, Dublin, Southern Ireland. The man replies **** me, how did you know that?

Farmer replies, put the ****ing dog down...
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   Old Thread  #2505 9 Nov 2016 at 7.08am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

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   Old Thread  #2504 8 Nov 2016 at 8.43am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Joke of the day

Why We Vote in November :D

Old man walks up and says, "For sixty years I've been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year."

"Why's that?"

"Better selection of turkeys!"
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   Old Thread  #2503 7 Nov 2016 at 6.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador", "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
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   Old Thread  #2502 7 Nov 2016 at 6.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's cabinet by the bed. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.Your boyfriend, then?', No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear, 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear That's me before the surgery.' ....
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   Old Thread  #2501 4 Nov 2016 at 1.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Nice one
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   Old Thread  #2500 3 Nov 2016 at 6.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
95% of scousers admit to having sex in the shower , the other 5% ain't been inside yet .

Alright malster
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   Old Thread  #2499 1 Nov 2016 at 11.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2498 31 Oct 2016 at 7.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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hi all. here's my joke of the day:

Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me.

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   Old Thread  #2497 28 Oct 2016 at 9.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My missus told me she was leaving me because I'm immature and we should set a date so we can talk about the state of our marriage .
She can **** off if she thinks I'm doing that in the middle of the conker season .
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   Old Thread  #2496 25 Oct 2016 at 9.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2495 25 Oct 2016 at 7.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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And yours
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   Old Thread  #2494 25 Oct 2016 at 7.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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so doe's yours
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   Old Thread  #2493 25 Oct 2016 at 10.35am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Yes she does
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   Old Thread  #2492 25 Oct 2016 at 9.42am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Can't stop laughing, luckyjim
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   Old Thread  #2491 5 Oct 2016 at 8.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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PMSL

I had a wife, once lol
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   Old Thread  #2490 5 Oct 2016 at 8.20pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Sounds like my wife but she doesn't take it up the arse and she's useless with the kids
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   Old Thread  #2489 5 Oct 2016 at 8.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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The old bill knocked my door last night holding a picture of my wife, they said " excuse me sir , is this you're wife" , l said "yes" . He replied " I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus " . I said "I know , but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids .
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   Old Thread  #2488 15 Sept 2016 at 9.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
went to a show the other night, there was a hypnotist, boy he was good, swinging his pocket watch left to right and back again he had 7 guys under his spell in no time, as he turned to the audience he stumbled and dropped the watch, it broke into a thousand pieces, as he bent down to pick up the bits he said f*** me and what I saw in the next 5 minutes will haunt me for the rest of my life.
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   Old Thread  #2487 5 Sept 2016 at 11.06am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home, feeling well randy and full of confidence he leans his hand on the wall and says "darling will you give me a blowjob"
"no my parents will see us"
"oh come on who's gonna see us at this hour"
"no, can you imagine if we get caught"
"oh come on they're all asleep"
"no its just too risky"
"please please I love you so much"
"I love you too but I just can't "
"I beg you"
then the landing light goes on and the girls sister comes down the stairs, in a sleepy voice says "dad says give him a blowjob, or I can do it, or if need be he'll do it but for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom"
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   Old Thread  #2486 31 Aug 2016 at 10.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2485 31 Aug 2016 at 4.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Jack Wiltshire has fallen out of the transfer window and will be out for four months
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   Old Thread  #2484 18 Aug 2016 at 12.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Mick O'Reilly raised his beer glass and said "here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me lovely wife", he won the best toast of the night, went home and told the wife, aye did you now, what was the toast? "here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife", next day the wife bumps into one of Mick's drinking pals, hello Mary he chuckles I see Mick won the best toast of the night and it was about you, yes she said though I'm a bit surprised he's only been in there twice in the last 4 years, the first time I had to pull his ear to make him come and the second he fell asleep.
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   Old Thread  #2483 13 Aug 2016 at 1.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Paddy is holding down a good job at The Natural History museum then one day a Yank said hey buddy what is that? paddy replied that boss is a Mammoth it's very old, really, how old is it? this one is 4 million years 8 months, Wow said the yank, how can they get the age so accurate? well said paddy it was 4 million years old when I got the job and I've been hear 8 months now.
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   Old Thread  #2482 4 Aug 2016 at 7.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
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   Old Thread  #2481 4 Aug 2016 at 7.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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brill
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   Old Thread  #2480 3 Aug 2016 at 7.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Went to my first Isis birthday party today , musical chairs was a bit slow but **** me pass the parcel weren't half quick .
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   Old Thread  #2479 2 Aug 2016 at 9.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My neighbor just confronted me about stuff going missing from her washing line ,
**** me , I nearly sh1t her pants
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   Old Thread  #2478 2 Aug 2016 at 8.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
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   Old Thread  #2477 2 Aug 2016 at 8.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
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   Old Thread  #2476 19 Jul 2016 at 7.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

'Son, where were you today?'

Son says 'at school dad.'

Robot slaps the son!

'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'

'What dvd?'

'Toy story.'

Robot slaps the son again!

'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.

'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'

Robot slaps the mum!
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   Old Thread  #2475 8 Jul 2016 at 5.12pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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My missus left me because of my obsession with the footy , bitch , we'd been together ten seasons
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   Old Thread  #2474 8 Jul 2016 at 7.00am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Paddy opens Micks fridge and asks him why he keeps a empty bottle of milk in their.
In case somebody wants a black coffe you thick **** was his reply
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   Old Thread  #2473 5 Jul 2016 at 7.45pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I met our postman at the gate the other day, I don't know what surprised him more, the fact that I was naked or the fact that I knew where he lived
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   Old Thread  #2472 2 Jul 2016 at 4.10pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside! Do you think I should change dentists?
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   Old Thread  #2471 30 Jun 2016 at 2.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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There's an Englishman , Irishman ,Scotsman and normally a Welshman but he's still in France
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   Old Thread  #2470 24 Jun 2016 at 3.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Word has it that the Welsh have found another use for their sheep. .....it's called wool.
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   Old Thread  #2469 5 Jun 2016 at 9.45am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2468 4 Jun 2016 at 11.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"
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   Old Thread  #2467 1 Jun 2016 at 11.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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boom boom ......boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
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   Old Thread  #2466 1 Jun 2016 at 4.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A blokes fat wife walks into the kitchen and says , didn't you just hear me fall down the stairs ?
He says , sorry love , I thought you were watching the start of east Enders
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   Old Thread  #2465 1 Jun 2016 at 11.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
2 girls at the cinema watching a film.......after a while one girl turns to the other and says ere the bloke next to me is playing wiv imself..........oh just ignore him..........I can't he's using my hand.
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   Old Thread  #2464 1 Jun 2016 at 11.41am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A daughter asked her mother, "how do you spell 'scrotum'?" mum replied, " you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.
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   Old Thread  #2463 1 Jun 2016 at 11.38am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”
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   Old Thread  #2462 11 May 2016 at 10.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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my sister had big problems being a kleptomaniac , when it was too much for her she would take something for it.
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   Old Thread  #2461 27 Apr 2016 at 7.11pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Thinking of selling my hoover, its just collecting dust.
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   Old Thread  #2460 26 Apr 2016 at 10.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2459 26 Apr 2016 at 4.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I said to my missus this morning , you look just like a saint "
She said , "ohh , do I really "
I said yeah, a ****ing Saint Bernard
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   Old Thread  #2458 25 Apr 2016 at 9.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2457 22 Apr 2016 at 9.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading This..

You hang in there......



Tel
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   Old Thread  #2456 21 Apr 2016 at 5.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
How unlucky is my mate , he went in hospital today to have his tonsils out and some ****er turned the trolley round
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   Old Thread  #2455 19 Apr 2016 at 5.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Last year my wife ran away with the neighbour.
I still miss him.
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   Old Thread  #2454 19 Apr 2016 at 12.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Billy said to Johnny like your new phone, yeah said Johnny you’ll never guess how I got it, I came home early from Sunday school and caught mum and dad at it like rabbits so they bought me the phone to stay the full session you should try it, yeah says Billy I’ll give it a go, the next Sunday Billy go’s home early and catches his parents at it doggy fashion, as he stood in the doorway his dad says OH hello Billy what do you want? I wanna watch, ok son come in and sit over there.

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   Old Thread  #2453 18 Apr 2016 at 9.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Well it made me chuckle when I had it arrive on my phone, almost as much as reading the football thread on here😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2452 18 Apr 2016 at 6.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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That's quality
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   Old Thread  #2451 18 Apr 2016 at 3.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2450 18 Apr 2016 at 1.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2449 18 Apr 2016 at 12.18pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.


'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “bloody Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”

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   Old Thread  #2448 17 Apr 2016 at 10.55am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2447 17 Apr 2016 at 9.39am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Two blokes walking through a jungle when they see a crocodile with a blokes head sticking out of its mouth. One says to his mate, look at that flash barsteward hes only got a lacoste sleeping bag
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   Old Thread  #2446 16 Apr 2016 at 11.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Mick goes in to a flag shop to get a flag for the queen's birthday, bejazzus oy'll have a green union jack says Mick, the assistant is in tears with laughter and says they are red,white and blue, OK says Mick oy'll have a blue one
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   Old Thread  #2445 13 Apr 2016 at 9.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2444 13 Apr 2016 at 9.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2443 13 Apr 2016 at 9.09pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Paddy gets the sack for doing the worst bricklaying on the site, he says to the gaffer I have a wife and 4 kids to support please keep me on, I can't afford to says the gaffer, OK OK says Paddy if I show you a wall that is worse than that will you keep me on? yeah ok I suppose so, Paddy shows him a wall that is pissed in every direction, jeeeeze says the gaffer that's really bad you can keep your job, oh thanks boss, by the way says the boss who did that? Paddy says I did.......
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   Old Thread  #2442 13 Apr 2016 at 7.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bloke next door , who I don't like asked how many rolls of wallpaper I bought for my lounge .
Twelve , I replied .
Next time I saw him he said , I got twelve and had six left over.
I said , so did I
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   Old Thread  #2441 7 Apr 2016 at 11.20am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Women are like parking spaces. When all the good ones are gone and when no one's looking, stick it in a disabled one.
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   Old Thread  #2440 31 Mar 2016 at 1.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Wah - that censor thing works a bit too well!
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   Old Thread  #2439 31 Mar 2016 at 1.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I was born in S****horpe - the joke about Tony will never be as bad as the joke about S****horpe - that always seemed to appear on the inside of the loo doors.
If Typhoo put the T in Britain - Who put the **** in S****horpe.
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   Old Thread  #2438 31 Mar 2016 at 6.31am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2437 29 Mar 2016 at 10.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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What do Adam Johnson and a tortoise have in common? They both get there before the hair
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   Old Thread  #2436 29 Mar 2016 at 10.09am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Saw this in a local paper!!!!

"This is Lexi. She's an 14-week-old German Shepherd.

I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home.

She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house."
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2435 26 Mar 2016 at 3.26pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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And was he ?
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   Old Thread  #2434 24 Mar 2016 at 8.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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As jesus was nailed to the cross, he looked down on his diciples and said...........don't ****ing touch my easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday!
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   Old Thread  #2433 24 Mar 2016 at 8.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2432 24 Mar 2016 at 9.27am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I'm surprised they didn't call you sirry ****
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   Old Thread  #2431 23 Mar 2016 at 10.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2430 23 Mar 2016 at 9.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I think I did get it really

When I worked in China - they called me Toe Lee
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   Old Thread  #2429 23 Mar 2016 at 8.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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What do you call a man with no shins................................................

TOE........KNEE = Tony!!!


not Tony59
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   Old Thread  #2428 22 Mar 2016 at 10.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I don't get it....
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   Old Thread  #2427 18 Mar 2016 at 5.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What's the difference between three cocks and a joke .?

You're mum can't take a joke
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   Old Thread  #2426 7 Mar 2016 at 4.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A three foot midget go's into the gent's public toilet and points Percy to the porcelain, in walked a giant of a man with a twitch, after a minute or so the big guy looked down to the little guy and said isn't it funny you have the same affliction as me, the little guy looked up and said "affliction be buggered, every time you twitch you keep pissing in my ear".
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   Old Thread  #2425 5 Mar 2016 at 12.10pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2424 5 Mar 2016 at 7.29am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2423 5 Mar 2016 at 7.00am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Q. Whats the difference between a penis and a bonus ?.
A. Your wIfe will always "blow" your bonus!!

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2422 27 Feb 2016 at 9.20pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
All the following spoken in a west country farmers voice


Farmer Brown!
Yes farmer piles Giles
I hear you have a very rare pig, the same as me,
That's right I do, why do you ask?
If we get them together to mate, their offspring will earn us a fortune,
Right, mine is a male so to conserve his energy for the boncking session you bring your girl over to my farm in the morning
farmer Giles put her in a wheel barrow and off they go,
the deed was done
next morning
is she up the duff?
how do I tell?
she will be laying on her back with two feet in the air.
Oh no she's standing.
ok bring her back in the morning.

this go's on for a week
on the last day
is she laying on her back.....
No!
what's she doing
she's in the wheel barrow with a big grin on her face.
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   Old Thread  #2421 26 Feb 2016 at 7.50pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo?


One's a heavyweight, the other is a little lighter
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   Old Thread  #2420 23 Feb 2016 at 6.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I’m six-foot tall, 14-stone blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.”

“Now seriously, Mister, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

“No …. not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.
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   Old Thread  #2419 22 Feb 2016 at 1.11pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
An East London girl runs home to mum crying , mum asks what's the matter?
My new boyfriend says I've got East end tits and West end hips,
Don't worry about that your dad had a Whopping cock and a Barking arse and we're still together
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   Old Thread  #2418 20 Feb 2016 at 3.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Dear Agony Aunt:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
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   Old Thread  #2417 19 Feb 2016 at 9.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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What do you call a man with no shins................................................

Tony!!!!
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   Old Thread  #2416 18 Feb 2016 at 1.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2415

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinski
2. Tony Blair
3. Robert Mugabe
4. Jeremy Corbyn
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Sepp Blatter

You had trouble with #5.......Typical, you know the criminals, murderers,
thieves, sluts, liars and cheats, but you don’t know the Pope!
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   Old Thread  #2415 17 Feb 2016 at 7.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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What weighs 18 stone and rides a Derby winner.

Adam johnsons soon to be cell mate
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   Old Thread  #2414 17 Feb 2016 at 12.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My mate , who is dyslexic is on a new water , he's just text me that he's had a 23lb Crap
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   Old Thread  #2413 12 Feb 2016 at 9.09am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name.
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole,' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts,' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip started to itch.....
turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts
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   Old Thread  #2412 11 Feb 2016 at 7.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Yes about 30 years ago
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   Old Thread  #2411 10 Feb 2016 at 9.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2410
did you tell them the one about 6 legs as well???
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   Old Thread  #2410 10 Feb 2016 at 10.58am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty

Just told that to the blokes at work.
They're still laughing
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   Old Thread  #2409 5 Feb 2016 at 3.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A prisoner in a British jail has been caught with 4 mobile phones up his arse.

After struggling to squeeze them out,his ringtone changed.
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   Old Thread  #2408 5 Feb 2016 at 2.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Was in a que earlier behind a great big fat bird with a huge Arse , her phone started bleeping and
The young lad behind me shouts out , **** me , mind out , she's reversing
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   Old Thread  #2407 5 Feb 2016 at 9.14am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2406 4 Feb 2016 at 1.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2404
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2405 4 Feb 2016 at 10.39am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2404 4 Feb 2016 at 9.19am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Flagged a black cab down in London this morning and said to the driver "Waterloo please mate"
"The station , he replied" . I said well I'm a bit ****ing late for the battle ain't I
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   Old Thread  #2403 2 Feb 2016 at 9.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Scientists say that sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, yet every time I try she slaps me and says I'm a creep.

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   Old Thread  #2402 2 Feb 2016 at 7.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I said to a local business man your obversely very rich and successful
what is your negative side?
"my honesty" he said
"I don't think that's bad"
"I don't give a f*** what you think".
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   Old Thread  #2401 1 Feb 2016 at 5.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I said to my mate Bob....my wife tells me that all her girl friends
says your fantastic in bed and can go at it for ages, how do you do it?
well said Bob......before I go in the bedroom I go in the kitchen and drop
me strides then bash the old spam ram on the work top till it throbs and
I can hardly feel it, ok so now I'm going to try it, I left work early and crept
into the kitchen, dropped everything and bashed the life out of Mr wiggle
till he was throbbing when all of a sudden the wife calls out......"is that you Bob"?
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   Old Thread  #2400 31 Jan 2016 at 6.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2399 31 Jan 2016 at 1.09pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife walked in on me watching porn the other day, to my suprise she ripped all of her clothes off and told me to **** her like you see the women in porn.

So i stopped every 7 seconds and shouted ****ing connection.

Thanks Virgin media.

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   Old Thread  #2398 30 Jan 2016 at 0.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Or tell her this joke 3 times in a row
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   Old Thread  #2397 30 Jan 2016 at 0.10am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
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   Old Thread  #2396 30 Jan 2016 at 0.10am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
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   Old Thread  #2395 30 Jan 2016 at 0.10am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty
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   Old Thread  #2394 28 Jan 2016 at 2.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit and killed her stone dead on the spot.

Jesus looked towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
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   Old Thread  #2393 27 Jan 2016 at 9.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Guy had trouble getting erection,doc gave him prescription,wondered why girls in chemist were giggling,
When he got home he looked at box and it said,take one tablet each evening.......they were called
MICOXXAFLOPIN
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   Old Thread  #2392 25 Jan 2016 at 3.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2391 24 Jan 2016 at 5.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, he tests it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon, the son says, "I did maths at school." The robot slaps the son, the son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies.", dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Star Wars," the robot slaps the son, Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn," dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was," the robot slaps the father, mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son," the robot slaps the mum.
Robot for sale.
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   Old Thread  #2390 18 Jan 2016 at 9.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A major British snack food company has decided to honour Tim Peake's recent history-making space walk, by renaming one of their most popular biscuits after him.

McVities 'Gingernauts' will be available at all leading food retailers in the near future.

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   Old Thread  #2389 16 Jan 2016 at 2.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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£4m for Charlie Austin - Southampton are getting someone with experience - they'll not get lost next year driving to the other Championship grounds...
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   Old Thread  #2388 16 Jan 2016 at 12.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My girlfriend used Vaseline on a handjob today.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

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   Old Thread  #2387 13 Jan 2016 at 6.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Do you know what the first sign of Madness is ,
Suggs walking up you're drive
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   Old Thread  #2386 12 Jan 2016 at 3.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I learned a lot from my ex wife before we split up.

I found out a group of sharks is called a Shiver, a group of flamingoes is called a Flamboyance, a group of goldfish is called a Troubling, a group of buffaloes is called an Obstinance and a threesome with Mike and Tony is called A couple of drinks with the girls after work.

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   Old Thread  #2385 12 Jan 2016 at 11.12am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Sean Connery walks into a cake shop in Sauchiehall Street and says to the woman serving, "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

The woman replies, "No your right, it's a macaroon"
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   Old Thread  #2384 10 Jan 2016 at 7.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2383 8 Jan 2016 at 7.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I went down to the morgue to identify my wife's body when just before the Mortician lifted the sheet some gas escaped resulting in a farting sound.

"I'm sorry, " he said, "this happens sometimes. "

"No need to lift the sheet, " I replied, "I would recognise that smell anywhere. "

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   Old Thread  #2382 5 Jan 2016 at 9.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Why are some people so thick . Was out with my dog today this bloke came up to me and said what's that ?
So I told him , it's a dog
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   Old Thread  #2381 4 Jan 2016 at 5.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A woman goes to the doctor and says I think I'm pregnant will you examine me so I know for sure, OK says doc get your kit off and jump on this (pointing to the couch) after a brief fondle in all departments the doc says no....it's wind, thank you says woman and goes home to tell her husband, a week goes bye and she visits the doc again.....I'm sure I'm pregnant will you check again for me........after another fondle in the canyon and everywhere else he says no as I said before its wind.....oh OK she says.....goes home and tells the old fella the news.....NO NO that's not right I'll come with you....doc confirms to them both "its wind".......the old geezer says your 100% sure.....yes says the doc.....with that the fella slaps his bobby dangler on the desk and says.....what do you think this is.........a bloody bicycle pump.
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   Old Thread  #2380 3 Jan 2016 at 3.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2379 3 Jan 2016 at 1.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I saw a woman coming out of a building chanting "I MUST I MUST IMPROVE MY BUST" I said to her what's this all about, she said its a new type of enlargement therapy, I thought I would investigate, as I went into the lobby a guy came out chanting "HICKORY DICKORY DOCK
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   Old Thread  #2378 3 Jan 2016 at 12.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2377


Wife says to husband what would you say if you caught me in bed with your best friend
I'd call you a lesbian

no no what if it was a mas, what would you do I'd kick his guide dog
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   Old Thread  #2377 1 Jan 2016 at 9.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
2 New Years Resolutions:

- Wash hands after taking a sh1t at work.

- Improve on my Big Mac preparation time.

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   Old Thread  #2376 1 Jan 2016 at 6.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Bloke says to his missus , why don't you tell me when you've had an orgasm?
She says , because I don't like ringing you at work
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   Old Thread  #2375 31 Dec 2015 at 10.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Why did Adele cross the road,

To say hello from the other side
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   Old Thread  #2374 29 Dec 2015 at 6.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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stick that on the footy thread and get lashed
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   Old Thread  #2373 28 Dec 2015 at 6.32pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Dennis law was asked yesterday if his team would beat this current man Utd side, yeah , 1-0 was
His reply.
When he was asked why would it only be 1-0 , his reply was , because we're all in our 70's now
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   Old Thread  #2372 26 Dec 2015 at 11.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What do transvesdites do at Christmas?
A> eat,drink,and be Mary
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   Old Thread  #2371 26 Dec 2015 at 0.06am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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My cracker joke . My phone only works in church , it's pray as you go
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   Old Thread  #2370 25 Dec 2015 at 5.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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CRACKERS!!!!!! CRACKERS!!!!!! who's cracker's
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   Old Thread  #2369 24 Dec 2015 at 6.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
i suppose you lot will be getting some new material for here now the cracker season is upon us
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   Old Thread  #2368 23 Dec 2015 at 10.20pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2367 23 Dec 2015 at 8.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Just bought some sage & onion flavoured condoms. Should come in handy if I find a plump bird that wants stuffing...
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   Old Thread  #2366 23 Dec 2015 at 6.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
The night before Christmas
Throughout the house
We were all ****ed
Even the mouse
Dad at the brothel
Mum with uncle frank
I settled down
For a nice slow w&nk
Outside the house
I heard a right clatter
I let go of my cock
To see what was the matter
Out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew right away
It was old st Nick
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
The big fat ****er
I think he fell
He filled all our stockings
With sweets and beer
And a big rubber cock
For my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The big fat ****
Blew the house apart
He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Shouting I'll be back next year
Have a hell of a night

Merry xmas fellow jesters
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   Old Thread  #2365 20 Dec 2015 at 7.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2364 20 Dec 2015 at 7.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Spammer
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   Old Thread  #2363 20 Dec 2015 at 12.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
As the sad news of Jimmy Hill's death was announced today, it was also revealed that the pantomime he was appearing in has been cancelled out of respect.

Tickets for Chinderella can be refunded at the box office.

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   Old Thread  #2362 19 Dec 2015 at 1.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest," especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
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   Old Thread  #2361 19 Dec 2015 at 12.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2360
A good start Nic, welcome to the forum
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   Old Thread  #2360 18 Dec 2015 at 10.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Little Joey's confession


Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl. The priest asks, Is

that you, little Joey Pagano? Yes, Father, it is. And who was the girl you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Joey, I'm sure to

find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? I

cannot say. Was it Teresa Mazzarelli? I'll never tell. Was it Nina Capelli? I'm

sorry, but I cannot name her. Was it Cathy Piriano? My lips are sealed. Was it Rosa

DiAngelo, then? Please, Father! I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration.

You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You

cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Joey walks back

to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get? Four months

vacation and five good leads...

Great jokes ... you can share them with my friends at nodepositforum.com if you like, that

is where I found this one, Ill bring you some more later.
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   Old Thread  #2359 18 Dec 2015 at 4.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The teacher said.....well class I asked you to bring something into school that is associated with Christmas, Sarah! what did you bring? some tinsel miss, we put it on our tree this time of year, well done, James! what about you? I brought a Christmas pudding which we only eat at Christmas miss, very good James, teacher spots Billie with a plastic bag, bring out you item Billie, she opens the bag and takes out a G string, rather embarrassed she says....Billie what on earth have these got to do with Christmas? they're Carols miss
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   Old Thread  #2358 14 Dec 2015 at 3.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is.
He said I'll give you a clue , it's what your mother calls me .
The little boy shouts out , it's a ****ing dick , don't eat it
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   Old Thread  #2357 13 Dec 2015 at 1.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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My doctor told me that half a bottle of wine at night was bad for me.
I make sure I finish it now
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   Old Thread  #2356 12 Dec 2015 at 11.22am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
Warning - be careful if you decide to sign up for the new Tesco Dating service. I tried it and ended up with a Bag for Life!!!!!'
👀👀
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2355 12 Dec 2015 at 11.20am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
A drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of the lot of ya!"

St. Peter was very impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago.😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2354 12 Dec 2015 at 11.18am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2352
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters SNIPE into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today. The rest of us are posting and reading jokes on Carpforum😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2353 11 Dec 2015 at 9.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I like my women how I like my advent calendar.

Against my wall, flaps open, ready to be eaten.

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   Old Thread  #2352 11 Dec 2015 at 5.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2351

And we came 3rd for getting this one wrong > name 2
days of the week begining with the letter T
TODAY and TOMORROW was not right
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   Old Thread  #2351 11 Dec 2015 at 0.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In the pub tonight and got involved in the quiz , the last question for us to win it was , name two things commonly found in cells .
Apparently It weren't scoucers and pikeys .
We came second
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   Old Thread  #2350 1 Dec 2015 at 10.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Absolute quality I've been reading some of your other jokes I'm actually crying your a legend COYS!!!
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   Old Thread  #2349 1 Dec 2015 at 9.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2348
My missus told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with fools and horses.
I just sighed and said , okay , I'll get me suitcase from the van
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   Old Thread  #2348 29 Nov 2015 at 5.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2347
This blonde is selling a snake in the local paper!

A bloke rings up and asks how big is it,

F----ng massive she says,

The bloke asks, how many feet?

None she replies, it's a F----ng snake
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   Old Thread  #2347 29 Nov 2015 at 5.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1

A young woman walks into a supermarket. On her way round she sees the man with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub.

He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"

"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2346 23 Nov 2015 at 8.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A bloke takes his wife to the doctors as he's worried about her.. The doctor says well I'm not sure whether you wife's got aids or alzheimers. Only way to find out is to go for a drive, drop her off 10 miles from home and if she comes home don't f@#k her!!!!!
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   Old Thread  #2345 22 Nov 2015 at 5.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2344 22 Nov 2015 at 5.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A bloke threw a tub of margarine at me in sainsburys over a fortnight ago , splitting my eyebrow .
Can't believe it's not better
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   Old Thread  #2343 13 Nov 2015 at 5.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Bert, in the old folks home said to Gladys "I'm leaving you and I'm gonna go with Doris cos she holds my one eyed trouser snake all night", Gladys said "so do I" yes said Bert but Doris has parkinson's .
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   Old Thread  #2342 7 Nov 2015 at 2.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2341 7 Nov 2015 at 12.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A blind carpenter go's into a timber yard for a job, the boss says your blind how can you do anything?
the chippie says "just by smell I can tell what a timber is and where it came from" Mmmm says the boss I'll test you, he lays a piece of wood on a bench and says lean forward and smell the wood, after moving his head a couple of times he says "its BC Pine from Canada", right says the boss, next, try this one, after a few sniffs he says " this is Oak from England", right, the boss cant believe this so he go's to the office and tells the girl to strip and lay on the bench face down, ok if you get this one I'll take you on, the chippie sniffs and sniffs then says turn it over I'm not sure about this one, the girl turns over and he sniffs again, "Yeah I got its a khazi door from a trawler boat in Grimsby".
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   Old Thread  #2340 6 Nov 2015 at 7.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Got felt up by a blind woman last night. She said I had the thickest, longest shaft she'd ever felt.

She was pulling my leg
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   Old Thread  #2339 6 Nov 2015 at 6.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I've woke myself up three times this week with my snoring ,
So **** it , tonight I'm gonna go sleep in the spare room
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   Old Thread  #2338 31 Oct 2015 at 9.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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So Jurgen Klopp has finally got his first win at Liverpool.
Apparently it was due to a motivational text from his older brother clippity.
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   Old Thread  #2337 22 Oct 2015 at 4.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Screen Shot 2015-10-22 at 15.58.51 copy
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   Old Thread  #2336 30 Sept 2015 at 9.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A woman knocked at our door and said she was
collecting for the new swimming pool so I gave her a bucket of water.
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   Old Thread  #2335 24 Sept 2015 at 8.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Like it
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   Old Thread  #2334 24 Sept 2015 at 8.11pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Reminds me of
"Dad, there's a bloke at the door with a bald head"
"Tell him to piss off I've got one"
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   Old Thread  #2333 24 Sept 2015 at 1.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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My daughter said to me earlier "dad , there's someone knocking at the door with a beard ".
I said " well no wonder I couldn't bloody hear it then " .
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   Old Thread  #2332 23 Sept 2015 at 6.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Teacher......who can tell me what chickens give you?
Sarah.........meat miss.
teacher......correct, now can you tell me what pigs give you?
Jane...........bacon miss
teacher.......that's right, who can tell me what fat cow gives you?
Billie...........homework
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   Old Thread  #2331 21 Sept 2015 at 8.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

Because he's married.
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   Old Thread  #2330 20 Sept 2015 at 9.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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I love f5, it's so refreshing
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   Old Thread  #2329 11 Sept 2015 at 6.18am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2328 10 Sept 2015 at 8.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Came home hammered the other night and was stumbling around at the bottom of the stairs making a right racket. "What the hell is going on?" Shouts the wife from the bedroom. "I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" I replied. "Leave it downstairs you dozy ****" She says."I cant" Says I."I've drunk it"
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   Old Thread  #2327 9 Sept 2015 at 8.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Even more valuable lesson learned today.......
Don't keep ralgex and anusol next to each other
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   Old Thread  #2326 8 Sept 2015 at 9.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Valuable lesson learned this morning ,"...........
Don't keep anusol and Colgate on the same shelf
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   Old Thread  #2325 28 Aug 2015 at 1.35am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Lol such long topic
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   Old Thread  #2324 23 Aug 2015 at 12.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
After too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"
(the house of horizontal refreshment)
JimmyAd notices green lumps
On his wedding tackle. So off he goes to the doctor.

The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby
players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says Jim, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
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   Old Thread  #2323 18 Aug 2015 at 8.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!