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Joke Thread
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luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2183 27 Oct 2014 at 8.23pm

Jane Goldberg phones the Jewish Chronicle.

Jane.....Hello is that the editor?

Ed........Yes my dear how can i help you?

Jane.....My husband Morris died the other day and I just want to
put a couple of words in the Births and deaths column.

Ed.........OK, what do you want to put in the paper?

Jane......."Goodbye Morris"

Ed............I'm sorry my dear it's got to be a full line.

Jane.......No no that's all I want to say.

Ed..........It's got to be a full line of 6 words otherwise it upsets the system.

Jane gave it a lot of thought then said OK I got it, "Morris is dead Volvo for sale"

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2182 27 Oct 2014 at 7.10pm

3 nuns walking through the desert, running out of supplies and
no water, getting very desperate, sister Molly said if we can pee
into a bowl of flower and leave it in the sun to bake it will make
a loaf of bread and keep us going a bit longer, I'll try first, she strained
and strained but nothing was there, Sister Bridget, "you try",
so she pushed and strained she gave it one final shove, farted blew
all the flower out of the bowl and sister Cathleen pissed herself laughing .

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2181 23 Oct 2014 at 7.05pm

A lady came up to me in the high st

LADY..... do you want to buy a ticket for the policeman's ball?
ME.........no, sorry love i can't dance
LADY.......that's ok It's a raffle.

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2180 23 Oct 2014 at 6.59pm

Moisha and David were driving along in Davids car, when suddenly Moisha screams out "stop the car i need a dump" David said I can't stop here it's a built up area, look said Moisha there's some bushes in front of that house, I'll go behind them, so David stopped and waited for about 10 minutes, then there was a cry from behind the bush, David have you got any paper? paper shmaper don't be so ******* tight leave it there.

jimmyAd

Posts: 8987

#2179 23 Oct 2014 at 7.24am

i was in the toilets on a train last night and a voice outside boomed " can i see your ticket please"
i replied " i cant im having a ****"
" i dont believe you slide it under the door "
" no problem....the yellow bits will be sweetcorn"

LG94

Posts: 50

#2178 23 Oct 2014 at 0.51am

In reply to Post #2177
was stood making tea the other day when a massive insect flew into my kitchen and exploded?

turns out it was a jihaddy longlegs.

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2177 22 Oct 2014 at 7.08pm

Lady visits the Doctor

LADY........Hello Doc I've come to see you today because i have been sick
and have strange feelings in my tummy.

After an examination

DOC..........Well young lady, I can now confirm that you are pregnant and
your going to have twins.

LADY.........."well i never" must have been something in the air.

DOC...........Yeah yer legs i expect

elltell

Posts: 1537

#2176 21 Oct 2014 at 9.50pm

Oscar Pistorius - had to happen

Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
*
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
Valentine's Day he had to take her out.
*
If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had
with only 2 blades.
*
His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.
*
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
*
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a
front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
*
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for
his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
*
New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never
creep up on Oscar Pistorius."
*
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
*
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder … footprints !
*
She didn't notice Oscar stalking her.. It was the silence of the limbs.
*
And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!

Stowstalker

Posts: 617

#2174 11 Oct 2014 at 8.47am

In reply to Post #2172
I didn't honest.....

ralph69

Posts: 10396

#2173 10 Oct 2014 at 11.43pm

In reply to Post #2172

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2172 10 Oct 2014 at 10.56pm

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic
sex:

Husband: Sukitaki. Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this, as if you
understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex, you need
help.

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2235

#2171 4 Oct 2014 at 8.55pm

A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.

"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.

"Well son," answered the all knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."

"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes."

"The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar."

"All in all son, it`s like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."

A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.

"Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?"

"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"

Wilson2930

Posts: 291

#2170 4 Oct 2014 at 10.03am

What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Wilson2930

Posts: 291

#2169 4 Oct 2014 at 10.01am

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

Wilson2930

Posts: 291

#2168 4 Oct 2014 at 9.58am

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”


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