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I've just spent my life's savings on a gender reassignment operation..............now I haven't got a sausage.......
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I was at the bar having a pint when a woman glanced at my jeans and said "your garage doors are open"
can you see the long big shiny Cadillac inside? I said
no she said but I can see a Mini with 2 flat tyres.
Oh god the old ones are still .................the old ones.
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Paddy says to Mick I've got a box of cakes here........if you can guess how many there are you can have both of them 
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In reply to Post #2543
i went to the zoo the other day
all they had was a little oriental sounding dog
it was a shih tzu
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In reply to Post #2546
Went to an AA meeting last month , their advice was to stay away from alcoholics , so I never went back
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A Chinese baby boy was born prematurely and was named Sudden Lee.
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In reply to Post #2543
Bread in captivity 
I missed that one thanks to Jim for bringing it to my attention 
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In reply to Post #2543
Brilliant clean fun.
Tel
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In reply to Post #2542
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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a guy asks the assistant "where can I find Irish sausages"
Assistant. ----- Are you Irish ?
Guy. ----- yes I am but if I had asked for Italian sausage would you have asked was I Italian
Assistant. ----- I doupt it
Guy. ----- And if I had asked for Kosher sausage would you have asked if I were Jewish
Assistant. ----- Proberly not
Guy. ----- So why did you ask if I was Irish
Assistant. ----- Your in Halfords.
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A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Tel
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In reply to Post #2539
What's the difference between a seductress and a flirt? A seductress uses her feminine guile and the allure of potential sexual gratification to get what she wants. A flirt is what Geordie milkmen ride round on
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An unemployed man went into a job center in Devon and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Enticed by the job title, he went in
and asked the clerk for details of the position.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynecologist .
You have to help the women out of there underwear , lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynecologist's examination.
"The annual salary is 125.000 , and if you are interested you will have to travel to Inverness Scotland ".
"Good grief....Is that where the job is?"
"No sir..... that's where the end of the line is for applicants right now.
😂😂
Tel
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Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hit the Target. 🎯
From the kitchen wife asks the husband :
"What are u doing?"
Husband : "MISSING YOU DARLING"
👍
Tel
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a 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom, the 7 year old says it's time we started swearing, when we go down for breakfast I'll start then you, OK, the 4 year old says yeah OK, they go down and mum says what do you want for breakfast? the 7 year old says Coco pops Bitch, whack, he gets a clout round the head and ends up on the floor, she turns to the 4 year old and says what about you, well it won't be f***ing Coco pops.
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