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Joke Thread
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sik

Posts: 2391

#1262 6 Mar 2013 at 1.42pm

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “Fcuk, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

sik

Posts: 2391

#1261 6 Mar 2013 at 1.30pm

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked with a hard on

carpy09

Posts: 14117

#1260 6 Mar 2013 at 12.41pm

In reply to Post #1257

sik

Posts: 2391

#1259 6 Mar 2013 at 11.56am

In reply to Post #1248
awesome mate

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1258 6 Mar 2013 at 8.55am

In reply to Post #1257

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#1257 6 Mar 2013 at 7.02am

So Sir Alex Ferguson's decision to rest him has backfired...

Don't worry, Howard Webb will be back in the starting line-up on Sunday.

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#1256 6 Mar 2013 at 6.51am

I don't know about anyone else, but I quite enjoyed Nani's tribute to Eric Cantona

MattH85

Posts: 3680

#1255 5 Mar 2013 at 10.14pm

In reply to Post #1253
its hurts but

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1254 5 Mar 2013 at 10.08pm

No more Champions League football for United this season.They can enjoy the rest.

Nani will be glad of the chance of putting his feet up.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1253 5 Mar 2013 at 10.02pm

The last time I saw a decision that bad involving a Nani, Tyrone had just asked Kevin Webster to watch Ruby.

carpy09

Posts: 14117

#1252 5 Mar 2013 at 5.49pm

In reply to Post #1248

carpy09

Posts: 14117

#1251 5 Mar 2013 at 5.48pm

In reply to Post #1246

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1250 5 Mar 2013 at 3.08pm

I dragged a chubby bird home with me from the pub last night.

She went straight into the bedroom, got undressed and lay spreadeagled on the bed.

She said, "You know what I want, don't you?"

I said, "Yeah, the whole fukcing bed to yourself by the looks of things".

carppad

Posts: 528

#1249 5 Mar 2013 at 9.59am

In reply to Post #1248

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1248 5 Mar 2013 at 9.53am

A little boy and his dad are in a queue at the supermarket checkout and in front of them is a really huge women.

The little boy looks her over,then says very loudly to his dad,"She's really huge and fat,isn't she daddy?"

The father is embarrassed and tries to get his son to quieten down.

But the boy yells out,"she's the fattest woman I have ever seen,just look at the size of her arse,daddy!"

The father apologizes to the woman and says to his son, "we don't talk about people who are different to us,son,and we don't use foul language, don't do it again!" the little boy seems to get the message and stands there quietly for awhile,but then the woman's beeper goes off and the little boy shouts, "LOOK OUT, daddy,she's going to fukcing back over you!!"


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